Some things I was thinking at school a couple days ago.

your conscience is a powerful thing. It controls a lot of the choices that we make. If we do something wrong and its hard to live with it then that's your conscience. Not everyone has one but for me its a powerful emotion/reaction/thought.All of the choices we make will effect not only us but the people around us. Sometimes its hard to make the decision but Most of the time I make the right one. Everyday we learn something new that we may not have known before. Sometimes its a useless fact that no one can relate to, and other times its important lessons that help us with every day life, friendship, family, and most importantly choices. Last week I finally learned that what splits us apart sometimes will eventually bring us closer together. No two days can be the same but learning to live in the present is a hard thing. In the past I have lived in the past and the future with out living life to the fullest in the present. There are always going to be bad days, rainy days, snowy days and even foggy days, but the next day it could be sunny. Not everyone can see whats right in front of the time, and I'm one of those people. This year I have had to make some of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make. Some of them will
turn out for the best and the other ones will haunt us for the rest of out lives. But Its the motivation of knowing that good things will come eventually that keeps a lot of us going, including me, But sometimes we forget to have fun and enjoy the present. For the One of the first times this year I have had a day where I'm happy because I know that everything is going to turn out the right way, and if it doesn't then I know that I gave it my best. Friendship and family mean a lot to me. I have a heart of gold and that's why I can't live with something bad happening to someone else and not being able to help them. I'm always thinking about other people 24/7 and how my choices will effect them. But learning to let go is harder for me then most
people because things and people are more meaningful to me then people will ever know. Imagine not being able to let go of someone you love(family friends etc.). At first I didn't listen to anyone because I thought that I could save them but as time went on I wasn't getting through and people kept telling me to let go. Eventually I got in trouble and I had no other option then to let go. Letting go isn't as with most people because people mean so much to me(I hope its the same with them). There was only one option left end it for good. It went better then I thought it would and it got me to stop thinking/remembering/hoping and worrying about them. In the future I know that we will come back together even closer then we were before. That is how
humans are we fight, we argue, and we love and remember. But I guess in life we have to do things that we don't want to do. Some things are always going to be harder then other things. Then of course there are always going to be fun things that happen but no one can make us do what we don't want to do "You can lead a donkey to water but you can't make him drink". I try to see the best in people and find out who they really are usually I get through but its not everyday where you meet people that we can trust with our lives. Sometimes I just look up at the stars and wonder "What if?". But We could day dream all day about what could happen, but in the end only 1 way is truly meant to happen, and we are the only ones who decides what truly is
going to happen. Any one can see the future but no one knows what is going to happen until it happens. There are over a 100,000,000,000,000 different ways that things can happen and imagine being able to see every single one of them and being able to see the outcome of those choices before they actually happens, well I have that ability. The only way for us to get over our fears are to face them. I use to be afraid of the future or what could and will happen, but I faced those fears and now I'm not afraid. same thing with my fear of heights, Now I can go up 50 feet in the air blindfolded and not be afraid of what could happen, and even falling. Some people are meant to be good and others are meant to be bad I guess. Many people try living life by putting other people down because they think it is fun, But there are people like us who are the opposite and we end up feeling good when we help people that sometimes need it the most. Not everyone has the ability to express feelings, it took me 12 years to learn how to talk about how I am feeling and what is going through my mind most of the time. Everyone has the ability to do good for other people but its us that decides weather or not to do good or bad. The Student to Student Autism Alliance I hope will help explain to people a lot of the common day to day problems that can be a lot more trouble for some people then others. I have had to live through a lot of problems that I have had to face most of them I have made good choices and decisions
but there are those times where I don't make good decisions. I'm not planning on living long but every day I'm always thinking of other people instead of thinking and worrying about myself. Not everybody will ever be able to understand me completely but I hope that this helps those who have the same trouble or are trying to learn what goes through my head of a day to day basis. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like being normal not thinking half the time and being able to relax but I don't have that Ability. Sometimes I also wonder what it would feel like being loved by someone else,Is it possible to miss something we've never had? There are so many questions I would like to be answered but in the end I'm the one that has to find answers to all of those questions. Life takes turns sometimes we are ready for them and sometimes we are not. But learning how to handle what to do when we come to those turns is a big thing we have to learn how to do. This is tough for me I imagine that its tough for anyone that has autism. I dont want other people to be judged the same way I was/am but this is happening everyday to someone and I want to save as many as I can. A lot of the time we dream about some great things happening to us, sometimes they do sometimes they don't, Then of course there are times when we are surprised that great things are happening to us but not the way we planed....but better then we have planed. I use to think that people wouldn't change their way of thinking, and I use to think that they didn't care. They may not have cared back then because they didn't know any better, But when I tell them what they did and how they treated me they start to cry and regret all of the bad things they did. But the main point was I was wrong. But its when they say they are sorry and truly mean it that it takes up for all of the bad things that happened in the past.

Interesting day.

Its weird how things that sometimes tear us apart will usually make us closer, I still haven't quite really gotten that logic but as I get older I find out that Its true. Weather its something that makes us sad, angry, depressed( and even remember stuff that we don't necessarily want to remember) as we learn how to work though the hard times we all become closer because we know that as more things happen that we will always beable to work through them.

I use to think that life was just a suicide mission(metaphorically speaking) where I do whats best for everyone else and I don't get anything in return besides getting left behind. But I was wrong. Different people teach us things that we never could have seen/done with out them. and its times like those that we remember. But we have to also remember that with out that person helping us we wouldn't be where we are today...

Hmmmm.....

Remembering the past is sometimes a goodthing and sometimes its a bad thing. But I've always wondered why it hurts to remember the past? Is it the reality of knowing that none of that stuff can never happen again, or is it that feeling of being loved that we all miss?

But what happens in the past is fun to talk about, but whats happening now is even more important. Many people say that "You can eather look at the glass as half full, or half empty" but eather way they are the same thing just in different opinions, I learned a new way of looking at it. Personally I would rather dump some chocolate syrup into it, turn it into chocolate milk, then enjoy drinking what I had... In the end life is truely what you make of it. You can eather live life in the dark and never bother looking for light or you can Live life looking for light and eventually finding it. Some people spend there whole life looking for it and never finding it(sad but true). Wile others have it right under there nose and not even know it. Different people have different meanings of what I mean by light. Some people think of it as faith, hope, heaven. Wile others think of it as finding a place where they truely belong. Personally I almost think of light as that feeling of knowing that your loved and that people truely care about you, and are wiling to do anything(reasonable) for you. But ther are those of us that dissagree. But I'm tired and I'm signing off, more to come later.

Been a busy week.

Its been a very busy week and thats why I haven't had time to make many entries.

Two days ago I found out that all of the stuff I remember other people don't and thats a good thing I guess. Most people learn to forgive and forget, or they just forget what happened. But me I'm different, I can remember almost anything that has happened to me in the past, The only things I can't remember are the small things like what happened 5 minutes ago or what was on the lunch menu 3 days ago because those things have almost nothing to do with me. Forgetting my past is a thing I wish I could do but for some reason my brain just wont let me forget the past. In the past I've made my fair share of mistakes, and bad decisions but I remember everysingle one of them. Other people forget what happened in the past and a lot of time most of the decisions that they made, that is a great thing.

Most people say that if they had a chance then they would go back and fix the bad things that they have done, But I probally wouldn't let them. Sometimes they are mean to people on purpose but other times they are mean to people with out even knowing it. That has happened to me many times where people are mean to me with out even knowing it, but I know when people dont know that they are accidentally being mean to me(sorry about the wording to that). There are people reading this who have done things in the past without even knowing they were doing it, but they didnt mean to do it and they didn't know any better. But its not what happened in the past that matters its what happens today and how they make up for the past.

Any one can wish that they had done something different in the past, but not everyone knows how to make up for doing it, like by saying something as small as sorry can make up for it now, and knowing that they are truely sorry means a lot. :-)

Any way HAVE A GREAT EASTER EVERYONE!! and I'll try to write more as soon as I can.

I had to Let go

This whole journal entry is about letting go......

Life is really hard sometimes, especially when other people make your decisions for you. Sometimes its on purpose other times its on accident. But Life still goes on. I finally let go of one of the things that mattered most to me, my friendship. It takes a lot to get to me but watching people fail, or be in/have trouble and know that you cant do anything to help them is just too much to handle. Sometimes we let our emotions get the most of us and that is what happened. Then we end up saying somethings we regret saying and others we wish we had said them a long time ago. But on Friday I had no other option but to let go. The only way to really get to me(hurt me) is through my family and friends, I can handle any thing that happens to me but I can rarely handle what happens to the people I care about Most. And once I start caring about them then that piece of me is going to be there for the rest of my life, weather I want it to be or not. I don't care if I haven't heard from them in over a year or in as less as a hour ago, if they need a ride then I'll be there because thats the person I am. Sometimes People that we let go come back and other times they don't but anything can happen for the better or worse, If I'm right Then its going to turn out for the better(they are going to come back) but if I'm wrong then I'm wrong. Just because people change doesn't mean that thier memories/ thoughts/ or feelings change, it just means that something had to happen in order for them to go on in life. Sometimes its us and othertimes its otherpeople that we care about that change, But if its us then eather we are blind or we are just afraid to admit it( I know I am).

One of my teachers came up to me on friday because of some of the stuff that I had said and told me that if I was in the middle of the ocean and I had to choose between saving my life or saving someone elses he said that I would be in "survival mode" and that I would only think of myself. I told this to another one of my teachers and she said that she knows that I'm different then everyone else for that one reason. I would risk my life to save someone elses and anyone that is reading this post knows why I would(if not then refer to my older posts). What I am getting at is once some one is a part of my life then chances are that I'll do anything for that person to save them no matter if its at my cost, some people dont understand this way of thinking but I've never ever thought of doing it otherwise(I'm the farthest thing from selfish).

People have said that I have a great long term memory and that they wish that they could have a memory like mine but the only trouble with my memory is that you can never let go of your memories. And no matter what happens in the future we can always look back to those memories and know that that person will always be with us no matter where they are. Because memories sometimes are the onlything keeping people alive. Any way I'm Signing off, So Goodnight, And Goodluck!

The right thing.

Sometimes Doing the right thing isn't always doing the right thing. Every one learns that sometime in thier life, some times its the hard way but other times its the good way. This is the time in my life where I have come to that decision where I have to decide which choice is the right one. The only problem is, is that my friendship hangs on the line, its eather our friendship stays strong or they end up failing like they are now. Which one can I deal with and which one can't I deal with?

Any way immagine if you kept on replaying memories in you head 24/7, would you go crazy? For me memories are priceless but other ones I'd pay $999,999,999,999.99 to get rid of them so I wouldn't have to live with what I have done in the past or how much that time meant to me and knowing that I now have to live without it.

I guess change is inevitable though and no one can stop what is bound to happen, I have tried and have failed miserably.....Both with friendships and with death.