Best Friends and time.(written by me, about me)

Many years ago we met, we were both new and lost,

We kept being pushed, and eventually we were tossed.

We became perfect best friends, who would always like to talk,

We went to my house and even the mall, we would sometimes even squawk.

But then something happened, I cant really explain how,

We seemed to have drifted apart. as far as we are now........

We really were so close, as close as we could be,

We were always goofing off, you would even laugh with me.
You told me I was the truest friend you had,
But every once in a wile I would always make you mad.
You really taught me a lot, more then I could ever know.
About more then I can name, too bad I was really slow.

But then some thing happened, I really don't know why,
But when that thing happened, I felt like I would die.
After summer we changed, and I felt so all alone,
You found someone that made you happy, but I was on my own.

I tried to make things better, the way that they once were,
But no matter what I tried, It always turned into a blur.
I tried to ask you questions, But you would never answer,
I then stated feeling awful, I thought that I had cancer.
I thought you didn't need me, I felt like I'd lost a friend,
I was getting depressed, because I though it was the end.

You really didn't need me, You had somebody you needed,
But I was all alone, and I really was unneeded.
I set my plan into action and so the story goes.
I acted really unworthy and this is why it blows.

We ended up not talking for the longest time,
But then this turns and this is how I rhyme.
Then we started talking, I don't know what about,
But this story keeps on going, with out a very doubt.

I stay true to my word, and promises that I make
I will not ever brake them even unless I die,
But if that ever happens that is sure to make you cry.
I promised you I do anything to make you happy,
Even if it makes my life crappy.
I promised you I'd always watch over you unlike most,
You will never see me, I will be like a ghost.
When ever you need me I Promise to be there,
No matter when No matter where I swear.

As time goes on we will always drift apart.
Just remember the goodtimes, just always use your heart.
No matter what has happened I'll always feel the same,
You and Me are Best Friends, there will always be a flame........

This poem isn't about love, its about friendship and how strong it really is. No matter when no matter where, no matter how, I promise to be there. Friendships are one of the things that no one should live with out, not me, not anyone. I just wanted to reflect on that.

PS the rhymes are corny.

People change

Every day 1%(estimated) of people in the world change. We never really know who's going to be the 1% that does all we really hope for is for things to stay the sameway so we never have to adjust to living without them in our lives. But most of the time we won't have control whether if they do or not. We can't ever truly plan on the way things are going to happen based on the years before because things change when we least expect them to.

Anyone that truly knows me well enough will say that I have a strong spirit that will never give up untill after I'm dead. I always trust people to do the right thing if it ever comes to that but I won't judge them differently if they don't, because some people honestly don't know how to do the right thing. When you make a promise to someone saying that you will always be there for them, then you need to keep good to your promise and if you don't then you are a coward! Who deserves to be rejected from life itself. For me I would rather die then
brake a promise I made to someone but others will make'em and brake'em without a care for the world.

I learn a lot from my friends and family and without them I would be nowhere and I would have given up years ago. But today I am officially an adult, I have to use what I've learned to succeed in this world like a lot of people don't because from this point on my life is in my hands. I have no idea what life as an adult is going to be like, will it be harder? Will it be tougher? And will I do well at it? I have no idea to the answers of any of these questions, so I'll let my friends and family answer them for me. Today is going to be a great day because it's the one day where everyone is happy I'm alive and well, and today is the day when I can look back and see how far I've come. Life is a pain and no one can plan how everything is going to happen but in the end lifes what you make of it...

New (school)year, New goals, and New plans.

Every year sometime during the first 2-3 weeks(or before then) we all try to make new plans and goals for that year. This year my 3 goals are to get near perfect grades(so I can get into a good college), to get a well paying job, and to pay back all of the many people who have helped me get through all of the tough times through out school(family, friends, etc). Last year I competed most of my goals, but there are always a few where something bad happens that makes it so you can't complete all of your goals. But last year I learned many things from all of the things that I did and this year I plan on learning even more.

No matter who we are, we take school for what it is....work. But when we become seniors we look back at the past and think differently compared to the way we did then. We remember the good times we had, the bad times, and most importantly the people we have met and enjoyed along the way. If we did something in the past that we regretted doing now is the time to make up for it. When we think about it we realize how fast time has truly gone and that this year is our last year of school and the journey we have taken with our classmates will be coming to a close in less then 9 months, for some of us this means taking the next step and going to college wile others will go find a job or go into the armed forces. No matter what we choose to do after school ends this year, its going to be a new beginning for everyone. But the year has just begun and we still have 9 months until that time. So as for now we should enjoy it wile we can because time flies when your having fun.......

Summer is coming to an end.

Summer vacation is coming to an end, which means a new schoolyear is about to begin. This is going to be an important year in many aspects, how ever it will also be my last with my classmates(I'm going to be a senior). A lot of us are busy planning "our" futures, wile some of us are looking back at our pasts and remembering the good times, fun times, hard times, and sad times that we shared along the way. Then there are some people who just want to enjoy the present. But this year is the year that will ultimately decide our futures and who we want to be.

No matter what happens this year I know that things will end up how they are soposed to for the best. Things are going to change this year but this year I'm ready for them. We all learn from the things that have happened to us in the past, and we become stronger because of it. But sometimes we just have to live life with no regrets. Someone taught me "if you keep looking at yesterday then your going to miss tomorrow"

Enjoying the Present

Today I had to have a filling done, and I hate Novocain so I always use laughing gas(nitrous oxide). Well I learned today that laughing gas actually slows down time which makes 40 minutes feel like 5 hours, I learned this by listening to my IPod. When I was listening to my music and under laughing gas the music actually slowed down to the point where it would freeze get the next"tune" then freeze again. It was in those moments in witch I found out how much the present actually means to me and what it would be like with out it. Its at those times where we also realize how much people mean to us when time comes to a crawl....More to come tomorrow.

Wanting and Needing

Wanting something is something that everyone has in common, not everyone wants the same thing but wanting is an important thing none the less. Wanting something gives us all something to work for, like a great friend, new bike, or even laptop. But when we want something then we usually set our eyes on only that rather then how lucky we truly are to have the things, people, and places. I could go on to say that is what Thanksgiving is for but I'll save that for another post. When we want something we are pretty willing to do what ever it takes to get what we want. Sometimes though we end up doing things that we later regret doing(pushing away the things we need), just so we can get what we want. Sometimes people will forgive you, other times they wont, but will you be able to forgive yourself? But what we want and what we need are two totally different things.

If you ask somebody to name something that they really need(impossible to live without) chances are that they will either say friends, family, or hope; At least I know that I would. My friends and my family keep me alive, not just when I need them what every single second of every single day. Without them I wouldn't have made it this far. I can live without a lot of people but I can't live without them. My definition of a friend is: someone you can trust,and they trust you as much as you do them, someone that will always be there for you if you ever need them, someone you can talk to about almost anything, and someone you can laugh with about anything.... My definition for family though is confidential.

What Would You Do?

Sometimes in life we make decisions based off of what we know with out really knowing the whole true, I know I sure have. But other times we base our decisions on how much we care about other people. For me as you know I would do anything for anyone I care about. A lot of times I make decisions that other people are unwilling to make(because they are afraid of what would happen after they make those decisions).

But I took a leap and this one eventually paid off how I was hoping it would. But as I said I don't do stuff for me, I do it for other people. Would you risk your friendship so that way your friend could get closer to other people and be happier even if that meant that you would be out of the picture? Well I did, if they are a true friend then they won't understand why you did it but they will forgive you eventually, and you will gain back that trust over time. I truly can't ever explain why I did it but for me to be happy isn't important but for them to be happy is important not only for them but for me.

Being a teen is hard for anyone, weather its growingup, dealing with changes, dealing with social issues, its all difficult but when you throw autism into the mix it makes it 10 times worse...

Realising we make Mistakes.

As we grow older we begin to realize the mistakes that we have done and the things that we should have done instead. A lot of us are able to forgive other people for the mistakes that they have done, and sometimes they can't. I don't have that problem of not forgiving other people, instead when I make a mistake and realize what I have done I am usually unable to forgive myself for the things I did or the things that I have done. No matter what though we are the only ones that have to live with those mistakes. As we grow up we change and we realize that what we did in the past was wrong and a lot of us will try and make it right. If we don't try then our conscience will make us feel horrible for a long time. But we all have to learn how to forgive ourselves sometime in our lives. We can lose a lot from mistakes weather its friends, family, coworkers, and even ourselves, people can die from making mistakes, but no one can prevent them from actually happening...unless you think before you act and make the right decisions. But sometimes doing the right thing isn't always doing the right thing...

Summer Vacation

Man this summer has flown by. Last summer was a long summer except for on a couple days, One of those days was when I went to the Mall with My Bestest friend. I planned out that whole day we were just going to relax, talk to each other and hang out at the mall for 4 hours. We met at the mall and I thought that we were going to relax and have a great time keeping eachother company but then I thought about seeing WallE. I asked her If she wanted to see it and she said yes so I treated both of us to that movie. Let me tell you though I'm glad I saw that movie with her rather then seeing it with anyone else. I guess it was small priceless moments like that, that always bring me back to the harsh reality of life and how it always changes year to year. But for the rest of that time we just went from store to store just fooling around and having a great time. The time flew by and before we knew it our time was almost up so we decided to have some last minute fun and take pictures together and make a movie by the curtains in JCPenny. But after that sadly our time was up. And it was time for her to go home, and for me to head back up to VT. If I only had 1 selfish wish then I would wish that I could do that day all over again because it meant so much to me. Its time Like those that let us know that people do care about us more then we think they do. Back then I would trust my life in her hands, and right now I still would.

But like I said every summer Is different and this summer I doubt I'll see her because of what happened last year. She still holds that against me and right now I don't blame her(I know I might do the same if I was her). But this summer I ended up climbing the Eiffel Tower, climbing up on top of the Arc De Triumph, Going to the Louvre as well as going to a 5 star resteraunt, Going to Luxembourg, And going to Brussels Belgium(and Grabing some Belgium chocolate). But anyway I'm tired and I'll write more on tomorrow.

Family and Friends

As I grow older I come to realize how cruel life really is. When I was a young child I never knew how life really was because of my parents would sheild me from the bad things in life and I never had to worry about the truth in people and what they are capable of doing. Now I am over in England to see family and to relax on vacation, and I soon am going to be going to France and Belgium. But now I know the true colors of some of my relatives because they would rather go to Weymouth then see their family(us) who only comes over once every 3-6 years. I guess every body has their different priorities but its hard for me to understand why they would rather go to the beach then spend time with us. Here in England my dad is like the connecting link to his family, but the family has drifted apart over the years of us coming over. Every time I use to come over I would usually see one of my favorite cousins but she has grown up and I haven't seen or talked to her in 6=7 years and its really a sad thing for me, because friends and family is everything to me(As you know, if it wasn't for them then I would have no reason to keep living). But the main point of this post is that this year Friends and Family have drifted apart and its a hard thing for me to adapt to these changes. And I guess whether I learn to adapt to them or not life is going to go on.

This year has been a tough year for me all around and yet I'm still going through all of it. Its these hard times when we begin to realize how lucky we are and were in the past. But its vacation and I'm loving it and I refuse to let anyone ruin it no matter who they are. Right now I'm probally the happiest I've been all year because I know no matter what happens that I'm going to be ok, And if I do get stuck in a rut then I know that my Friends and Family will help me when I need it the most. But any way I gotta go enjoy the rest of my vacation and I'll write more when I get back home.

Goodbyes and Fear

Goodbyes are the hardest thing for me to do. The only times someone will get me to say Goodbye is ether if I'm letting them go, or if they are dying and I know that I probally will never see them again. I guess the reasoning behind this is because of the fear that I get of ether them forgetting everything that we did together or that I may never see them again. Sometimes I can't even say Goodbye to people that I care about most just because it is too hard. But when I can't say goodbye in person I try saying everything on a note. Some people think that this is just to see them cry, but in reality I really cant stand having to say goodbye to them and having to live without them in my life, or else I get all depressed(for many reasons). Some will understand this and others won't, but ether way I'm telling people what they wanted to know.

Fear is a weird thing because a lot of people are afraid of things like getting bitten, getting stung, falling, getting sick, and even dying. But sometimes in order to avoid the things we fear we tend to miss out on great things, and great memories that we could of had. I don't know, but I think that getting or learning how to put up with our fears is part of growing up.

You Really Don't Know What You Got Till Its Gone.

This was one of those years where I was looking forward to all the good things that would come from it if I did exactly as I planned to do so. But I didn't really put into account of me wanting other people to be happy rather then myself. I guess its kinda sad that we know things are going to change and yet we try our hardest to keep them the way they are, so we can just enjoy and live in the moment. But usually with me by the time I am living in the moment it only lasts maybe months then its over. I wait 9 years for something to happen, it finally does, then something changes and its over faster then we want it to(before we get to enjoy it fully). But then again its just those small moments where "we feel like anything could happen and it would be ok," that make a huge difference in our lives that we remember forever. And I almost think that its those small moments that make us who we are today. But in reality nothing good can last forever.....

Less then .003% of the worlds population understands my way of thinking and my outlook on life. And less then a quarter of that percentage agrees with my way of thinking.

Every year we all get older, and every year those people that are close to us change in one way or another. Sometimes they change for the worst and other times they change for the better but who am I to judge. I'm one of those people that holds on tight to someone and doesn't let go. The people that were once close to me or are close to me, my thoughts about them and where they stand with me will never change, But for them where I stand with them is going to change. Most likely they will change in one way that I can't handle like giving me a lot of attention to giving little attention even though in their heads I am still close to them, in reality I perceive those situations as them not caring for me as much or me not being so close to them its times like those that get me into trouble. Giving me a lot of attention to giving me little is almost like me talking to you every day, every minute then going a whole week with out saying a word to you. I really don't know how to explain but I guess the easiest way to explain it is getting your heart broken(many people only refer to this as in a bf/gf scenario, I don't).

The people I care about mean everything to me weather I am willing to admit it or not. I would easily give my life for them, I would easily have them hate me for helping them out and having to live with ti, I would easily go pick them up if they needed a ride no-matter where they were, I would easily help them out if they ever needed anyone to talk to, I would easily get suspended or expelled for helping to defend them in a fight, and I would easily lend them $5,000.00 if they ever needed it. Its the people I care about that keep me alive and give me the will to live. But when 10 of those people die then chances are I will probably die also, because I won't be-able to live through that pain of loosing someone I care about.

Anyway thats enough for tonight so more to come soon.

So Much Has Changed This (School) Year

This school year is going to be over for me in 2 days. School affects everyone with all the drama there is in school, the troubles we face, the friends we meet along the way and sadly the friends we lose along the way also.

At the end of last year for the last 3 days I was hoping that this year would be the best school year of my life, But I was afraid because I had a feeling that it would be one of the worst school years. This year I have lost a lot of important things, and people that matter most to me. Some of which I thought I could avoid and possibly keep it from happening but that failed. Other times it was due to other peoples decisions that put me where I am today. But I have also made some of the hardest choices of my life one of which cost me one of the best friendships I have ever had. Then there are those things that just seem to happen that nobody can avoid happening. The more I look at these things the more depressed I seem to become, I guess thats the problem with being a deep thinker.

As I become older I begin to develop and learn how my decisions always effect other people. Most of the time I make the right ones but other times I make wrong decisions that cost me in the long run. As we become older we begin to change in many ways, sometimes we notice the changes and other times we don't then there are those changes that happen to us that other people notice and sometimes other people don't know how to handle those changes that are happening to us. I especially don't know how to handle change a big part of the time. A lot of the time a small change for them is a major change for me like the amount of time you spend with someone and when your personality changes. But a lot of that I can't control. I've seen a lot of changes through out this year, I've seen mean people turn into great people and great people turn into mean people.

Another thing that has happened to me this year is I have lost a pet and my great grandmother, my great grandmother was one of my heros and its one of the most unbearable pains there is when someone you admire ether dies or changes into another person. But ether way there is a point where we have to let them go. Its never a easy thing for me(its the hardest thing for me, knowing when to let go).

On a good note though, I've also been lucky to be able to have the opportunity to work with people that I use to go to school with, and have them work with me to educate other people about what its like living with autism. I once even made them cry on accident but somehow I feel as if it has made us even closer. I know that with working with them that we will make a difference in the world so no one has to go through what I did when I was going through school. It's small things like this that give me hope and make me believe that everything is going to work out ok and that I have nothing to worry about[in the future].

I always have trouble with change but in the end I guess thats what makes life a pain but it also make it near perfect because with out these difficulties we wouldn't realize how lucky we are to have people that care about us, and to have the opportunities that we do. The tunnel of life is always going to be dark but no matter what that light is always going to be at the end of it, We just can't give up because then we would be letting down all of those people who believed in us. But I've wrote enough for tonight so I'll write more soon. Goodnight, and Goodluck

Some things I was thinking at school a couple days ago.

your conscience is a powerful thing. It controls a lot of the choices that we make. If we do something wrong and its hard to live with it then that's your conscience. Not everyone has one but for me its a powerful emotion/reaction/thought.All of the choices we make will effect not only us but the people around us. Sometimes its hard to make the decision but Most of the time I make the right one. Everyday we learn something new that we may not have known before. Sometimes its a useless fact that no one can relate to, and other times its important lessons that help us with every day life, friendship, family, and most importantly choices. Last week I finally learned that what splits us apart sometimes will eventually bring us closer together. No two days can be the same but learning to live in the present is a hard thing. In the past I have lived in the past and the future with out living life to the fullest in the present. There are always going to be bad days, rainy days, snowy days and even foggy days, but the next day it could be sunny. Not everyone can see whats right in front of the time, and I'm one of those people. This year I have had to make some of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make. Some of them will
turn out for the best and the other ones will haunt us for the rest of out lives. But Its the motivation of knowing that good things will come eventually that keeps a lot of us going, including me, But sometimes we forget to have fun and enjoy the present. For the One of the first times this year I have had a day where I'm happy because I know that everything is going to turn out the right way, and if it doesn't then I know that I gave it my best. Friendship and family mean a lot to me. I have a heart of gold and that's why I can't live with something bad happening to someone else and not being able to help them. I'm always thinking about other people 24/7 and how my choices will effect them. But learning to let go is harder for me then most
people because things and people are more meaningful to me then people will ever know. Imagine not being able to let go of someone you love(family friends etc.). At first I didn't listen to anyone because I thought that I could save them but as time went on I wasn't getting through and people kept telling me to let go. Eventually I got in trouble and I had no other option then to let go. Letting go isn't as with most people because people mean so much to me(I hope its the same with them). There was only one option left end it for good. It went better then I thought it would and it got me to stop thinking/remembering/hoping and worrying about them. In the future I know that we will come back together even closer then we were before. That is how
humans are we fight, we argue, and we love and remember. But I guess in life we have to do things that we don't want to do. Some things are always going to be harder then other things. Then of course there are always going to be fun things that happen but no one can make us do what we don't want to do "You can lead a donkey to water but you can't make him drink". I try to see the best in people and find out who they really are usually I get through but its not everyday where you meet people that we can trust with our lives. Sometimes I just look up at the stars and wonder "What if?". But We could day dream all day about what could happen, but in the end only 1 way is truly meant to happen, and we are the only ones who decides what truly is
going to happen. Any one can see the future but no one knows what is going to happen until it happens. There are over a 100,000,000,000,000 different ways that things can happen and imagine being able to see every single one of them and being able to see the outcome of those choices before they actually happens, well I have that ability. The only way for us to get over our fears are to face them. I use to be afraid of the future or what could and will happen, but I faced those fears and now I'm not afraid. same thing with my fear of heights, Now I can go up 50 feet in the air blindfolded and not be afraid of what could happen, and even falling. Some people are meant to be good and others are meant to be bad I guess. Many people try living life by putting other people down because they think it is fun, But there are people like us who are the opposite and we end up feeling good when we help people that sometimes need it the most. Not everyone has the ability to express feelings, it took me 12 years to learn how to talk about how I am feeling and what is going through my mind most of the time. Everyone has the ability to do good for other people but its us that decides weather or not to do good or bad. The Student to Student Autism Alliance I hope will help explain to people a lot of the common day to day problems that can be a lot more trouble for some people then others. I have had to live through a lot of problems that I have had to face most of them I have made good choices and decisions
but there are those times where I don't make good decisions. I'm not planning on living long but every day I'm always thinking of other people instead of thinking and worrying about myself. Not everybody will ever be able to understand me completely but I hope that this helps those who have the same trouble or are trying to learn what goes through my head of a day to day basis. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like being normal not thinking half the time and being able to relax but I don't have that Ability. Sometimes I also wonder what it would feel like being loved by someone else,Is it possible to miss something we've never had? There are so many questions I would like to be answered but in the end I'm the one that has to find answers to all of those questions. Life takes turns sometimes we are ready for them and sometimes we are not. But learning how to handle what to do when we come to those turns is a big thing we have to learn how to do. This is tough for me I imagine that its tough for anyone that has autism. I dont want other people to be judged the same way I was/am but this is happening everyday to someone and I want to save as many as I can. A lot of the time we dream about some great things happening to us, sometimes they do sometimes they don't, Then of course there are times when we are surprised that great things are happening to us but not the way we planed....but better then we have planed. I use to think that people wouldn't change their way of thinking, and I use to think that they didn't care. They may not have cared back then because they didn't know any better, But when I tell them what they did and how they treated me they start to cry and regret all of the bad things they did. But the main point was I was wrong. But its when they say they are sorry and truly mean it that it takes up for all of the bad things that happened in the past.

Interesting day.

Its weird how things that sometimes tear us apart will usually make us closer, I still haven't quite really gotten that logic but as I get older I find out that Its true. Weather its something that makes us sad, angry, depressed( and even remember stuff that we don't necessarily want to remember) as we learn how to work though the hard times we all become closer because we know that as more things happen that we will always beable to work through them.

I use to think that life was just a suicide mission(metaphorically speaking) where I do whats best for everyone else and I don't get anything in return besides getting left behind. But I was wrong. Different people teach us things that we never could have seen/done with out them. and its times like those that we remember. But we have to also remember that with out that person helping us we wouldn't be where we are today...

Hmmmm.....

Remembering the past is sometimes a goodthing and sometimes its a bad thing. But I've always wondered why it hurts to remember the past? Is it the reality of knowing that none of that stuff can never happen again, or is it that feeling of being loved that we all miss?

But what happens in the past is fun to talk about, but whats happening now is even more important. Many people say that "You can eather look at the glass as half full, or half empty" but eather way they are the same thing just in different opinions, I learned a new way of looking at it. Personally I would rather dump some chocolate syrup into it, turn it into chocolate milk, then enjoy drinking what I had... In the end life is truely what you make of it. You can eather live life in the dark and never bother looking for light or you can Live life looking for light and eventually finding it. Some people spend there whole life looking for it and never finding it(sad but true). Wile others have it right under there nose and not even know it. Different people have different meanings of what I mean by light. Some people think of it as faith, hope, heaven. Wile others think of it as finding a place where they truely belong. Personally I almost think of light as that feeling of knowing that your loved and that people truely care about you, and are wiling to do anything(reasonable) for you. But ther are those of us that dissagree. But I'm tired and I'm signing off, more to come later.

Been a busy week.

Its been a very busy week and thats why I haven't had time to make many entries.

Two days ago I found out that all of the stuff I remember other people don't and thats a good thing I guess. Most people learn to forgive and forget, or they just forget what happened. But me I'm different, I can remember almost anything that has happened to me in the past, The only things I can't remember are the small things like what happened 5 minutes ago or what was on the lunch menu 3 days ago because those things have almost nothing to do with me. Forgetting my past is a thing I wish I could do but for some reason my brain just wont let me forget the past. In the past I've made my fair share of mistakes, and bad decisions but I remember everysingle one of them. Other people forget what happened in the past and a lot of time most of the decisions that they made, that is a great thing.

Most people say that if they had a chance then they would go back and fix the bad things that they have done, But I probally wouldn't let them. Sometimes they are mean to people on purpose but other times they are mean to people with out even knowing it. That has happened to me many times where people are mean to me with out even knowing it, but I know when people dont know that they are accidentally being mean to me(sorry about the wording to that). There are people reading this who have done things in the past without even knowing they were doing it, but they didnt mean to do it and they didn't know any better. But its not what happened in the past that matters its what happens today and how they make up for the past.

Any one can wish that they had done something different in the past, but not everyone knows how to make up for doing it, like by saying something as small as sorry can make up for it now, and knowing that they are truely sorry means a lot. :-)

Any way HAVE A GREAT EASTER EVERYONE!! and I'll try to write more as soon as I can.

I had to Let go

This whole journal entry is about letting go......

Life is really hard sometimes, especially when other people make your decisions for you. Sometimes its on purpose other times its on accident. But Life still goes on. I finally let go of one of the things that mattered most to me, my friendship. It takes a lot to get to me but watching people fail, or be in/have trouble and know that you cant do anything to help them is just too much to handle. Sometimes we let our emotions get the most of us and that is what happened. Then we end up saying somethings we regret saying and others we wish we had said them a long time ago. But on Friday I had no other option but to let go. The only way to really get to me(hurt me) is through my family and friends, I can handle any thing that happens to me but I can rarely handle what happens to the people I care about Most. And once I start caring about them then that piece of me is going to be there for the rest of my life, weather I want it to be or not. I don't care if I haven't heard from them in over a year or in as less as a hour ago, if they need a ride then I'll be there because thats the person I am. Sometimes People that we let go come back and other times they don't but anything can happen for the better or worse, If I'm right Then its going to turn out for the better(they are going to come back) but if I'm wrong then I'm wrong. Just because people change doesn't mean that thier memories/ thoughts/ or feelings change, it just means that something had to happen in order for them to go on in life. Sometimes its us and othertimes its otherpeople that we care about that change, But if its us then eather we are blind or we are just afraid to admit it( I know I am).

One of my teachers came up to me on friday because of some of the stuff that I had said and told me that if I was in the middle of the ocean and I had to choose between saving my life or saving someone elses he said that I would be in "survival mode" and that I would only think of myself. I told this to another one of my teachers and she said that she knows that I'm different then everyone else for that one reason. I would risk my life to save someone elses and anyone that is reading this post knows why I would(if not then refer to my older posts). What I am getting at is once some one is a part of my life then chances are that I'll do anything for that person to save them no matter if its at my cost, some people dont understand this way of thinking but I've never ever thought of doing it otherwise(I'm the farthest thing from selfish).

People have said that I have a great long term memory and that they wish that they could have a memory like mine but the only trouble with my memory is that you can never let go of your memories. And no matter what happens in the future we can always look back to those memories and know that that person will always be with us no matter where they are. Because memories sometimes are the onlything keeping people alive. Any way I'm Signing off, So Goodnight, And Goodluck!

The right thing.

Sometimes Doing the right thing isn't always doing the right thing. Every one learns that sometime in thier life, some times its the hard way but other times its the good way. This is the time in my life where I have come to that decision where I have to decide which choice is the right one. The only problem is, is that my friendship hangs on the line, its eather our friendship stays strong or they end up failing like they are now. Which one can I deal with and which one can't I deal with?

Any way immagine if you kept on replaying memories in you head 24/7, would you go crazy? For me memories are priceless but other ones I'd pay $999,999,999,999.99 to get rid of them so I wouldn't have to live with what I have done in the past or how much that time meant to me and knowing that I now have to live without it.

I guess change is inevitable though and no one can stop what is bound to happen, I have tried and have failed miserably.....Both with friendships and with death.

Today

Today is/was one of those days where you just want something good to happen but it never does. Its one of those days where you wonder whats going to happen in the future and if the anything that happened in the past actually mattered. Things never happen the way we want them to happen, its part of life.......and when they do (happen the way we want them to) they just don't last as long as we would like them to. As I get older I learn that when you are really enjoying something time flies because you really enjoying it, But when we are dreading it(feeling sick, feeling like we want the day to be over, feeling like we are going to die) it goes by rrrrrreeeeeaaaallllyyyy rrrrreeeeeeaaaaallllyyyy ssssssssslllllllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwllllllyyyy.

But in the end life is a learning experience where we learn something new everyday weather we want to or not. There are over a 999,999,999,999,999,999,999 ways to look at life and no two people look at it the same way.....Anyway its a short entry I'll make up for it tomorrow stay tuned.

It finally is happening.

Well change is finally happening in my life and I'm finally starting to adapt to this years changes in relationships, life, etc. When people start changing there is always going to be that one person who keeps looking back at the good time they had together and knowing that, eventually all he is going to be left with are the memories, because he is going to eventually have to let go all together to that person(just a heads up that "he" is me). But as we all get older this is bound to happen many times to the people we love and care about(no matter how hard we try to prevent this from happening). Sometimes it feels like its impossible but in the end we learn how to do it and how to cope with what we have to do.

Another one of my beliefs is that History always repeats its self. (Basically if it happened once then it will probably happen again). The above paragraph has happened more then once in my life but its happening(again) as you read this. Over time I will do what I have to do but I will always care about those people even though they may not care for me as much as they used to.

Every time I get close with someone(not love wise) I feel like I'm in heaven and everything is going to be ok, no matter what happens, its like the world is standing still just so that way you can enjoy it as much as you can, its like you could die right then and there and you would have mattered to someone, its like nothing else matters, its like seeing a 'whole new world' when you thought things like that could never happen but they are, its like so much more then I can describe and "its like" is really getting old now...........(that was a joke)..... But as I have learned from past expieriances Nothing Lasts Forever......the only exceptions to that are memories and souls..............(Any way back to what I was getting at). Every time I get close with someone eventually something happens (after a wile) change, and everytime that does happen it feels as if I am going to die, thats how painful it is. This is all because Being close with some one is the best thing you can have but when it is there one second and gone the next then it feels as if none of it really mattered, and none of it actually happened....Then all I am left with are the memories of the good times, the sad times, and the bad times, and I'm right where I was to begin with ..................alone (look up the lyrics for "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams").................. But life will always go on and the cycle will eventually repeat its self.

As I get older I begin to look at Life differently kinda like how everything is prodictable if you think about it hard enough, or how you already have the answers to all your questions with out having to ask them, and even how history/life keep repeating its self, and even Learning how to live and enjoy the present instead of looking at the past or prdicting the future. Even though I begin to look at life differently I still have the same thoughts and feelings. But as everyone grows and changes I stay the same(basically I'm left behind).

Life is what you make of it.

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true
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Everyone that is alive today(that lives in a modern American or English culture) has heard these lyrics and the song in sometime of their life. Some people (if not most) are afraid to admit thier dreams and hopes about what is to come. Some people look to faith wile others look to hope (or both) when they are feeling down or depressed. Then there are those people who wish thier whole life away, on a star, a dream, and even a birthday wish. Last year I saw a shooting star, and I mad the same wish I always do. "I wish that Everyone I love and care about will be happy, no matter what the cost." So far this year that wish has came true, I'm glad it did. My friends are happier then they have been in the last 3-8 years, my whole family is alive and healthy, and I'm succeeding in life which is what my family has always wanted. But as I thought, it came at a cost...

Different people describe happiness different ways, some say its that feeling where you feel like you can do anything, some say that its that feeling of being loved and cared about by other people, and some people cant descibe it at all no matter how hard they try. Then there are those who always look at the bad things in life and cant ever relise how valuable/ beautiful/ and wonderful life truly is.

I always am planning on things happening even though they are never going to happen, but its better to be ready for them, then to be surprised by them. But then again things never turn out the way you think they will. Sometimes its for the best, and others its for the worst. But you can't avoid what is bound to happen. But sooner or later I'm going to have to learn how to let go.......

Every day you learn something new.

Everyday we all learn something we didn't know before. Like sometimes its learning how to handle things, or learning that sometimes the choices you make will affect other people more then they will yourself.

Today was really hard on me, If you knew one of your friends were failing and they wouldn't listen to you what would you do? Personally I'd rather have them hate me and succeed then fail and love me, because then I know that I could have done more then just watched it happen, over a period of time. But in order for them to pass you have to go behind their back and tell someone that they will listen to. But in the long run is it really worth it? My mom tells me that I cant have a bird on a leash, so sometimes I have to let it fly where it wants even if that means away from me. But its hard having to make one of these decisions, and even watching some one you care about fail and know that its out of your hands because you have tried enough. :-(. Most of the time I just can't handle it. I really shouldn't have to but the only problem is that I care about my family and friends too much.............Why is is soo hard to watch someone you care about fail and know that you can ether help them or "help them"? But only one is the right answer, but sometimes, doing the right thing isn't always doing the right thing.
AHHHHHHH!!!!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!

Every day we have the options of helping people(weather they want it or not). But helping people doesn't mean that you have to do much work it just means that you are doing something to help someone else(if that makes any sense). Any way everyday I try to help someone else out when they need it, weather its helping them with a problem, giving them someone they can talk to, educating them, or even by donating blood. The last one is the exact thing that I did today. Everything I do always has a reason to it. The reason I donated blood was so that way I could help other people that have autism.

Every day we all learn something new, weather its learning about a new restaurant, or learning something new about somebody else, or even realizing that everything that your working hard for may one day actually happen. No body can go back in time and change what has already happened, But we can always change what is going to happen in the future. If we really put our minds to it then we can achieve anything.

Every single second thousands and thousands of ideas/memories/actions/possibilities are running through my and I rarely ever have time(and the ability) to relax. In fact I have so much stuff running through my head that I'm guaranteed to get a Migraine/Head ache and even depressed every day. No two days/years are ever going to be the same, and every year is always going to have its up's and down's. Some times the downs are going to out weigh the ups and sometimes its going to be the other way around, but no one knows untill "it" actually happens.

WOW this whole week has been hectic.

WOW this whole week has been hectic. for the last 3 nights I've been staying up till 11:30 doing HW. And on top of all that grades close tomorrow so I've had no free time what so ever.

So anyway tomorrow is the day where both my past and my future meet(long story short, I got out of my old school system because I had no friends and academics every week just plain sucked. but tomorrow I'm going to meet some of the people that I left 3 years ago.)

About a week ago I had this really really freaky dream, Where it was like I saw somebody doing something even though I wasn't there. About a 2 days ago I asked somebody else if that really did happen the same way I saw it happen in my dream and they said yes it did. That same night right before I went to bed I asked my mom what I should do and she said that I shouldn't worry about it... But I'm really really freaked out because this is like the 8th time it has happened with in the last 2 years. Last year I dreamed of my cousin being the the hospital because his heart was failing on him, I told my mom that something was wrong with my cousin and she said no he's fine..... about 2 days later my mom came up to me and told me that I was 100% right and my cousin was on the line of dying, luckily he made a full recovery even though it took him over a year to recover. On January 8th of this year I dreamed my great grandma was dying, the day after I went to my best friend (at lunch) and I asked him what would you do if you knew that your (great) grandmother was dying, he said that I should go up and see her...... I wish I listened to him about a 6 days later my great grandmother died(when I found out I cried for 3 hours straight). I've even had people be offended by what I saw in my dream, Because they say that their life is none of my business, But if I dream about something that really did/does happen then it is my business(those people are still pissed at me for that) because I really wanna know if it really happened. Imagine if you could see the future in your dreams but you cant do a darn thing to prevent it from happening. This is not lucky that I have it, Its Basically a curse.(No I'm not trying to play god)

These past few weeks have been hell for me. My life is literally falling apart. My friends keep getting farther and farther away(metaphorically speaking). But maybe the mistake was getting so close to begin with, who knows. But as we all get older things/people/and life change. But are some of the changes worth really happening if in the end you get in trouble and because of those changes you have nobody that you knew you could trust that can help you get back up? In the end though we all have to learn from our mistakes(I've made my fair share of them)...

Some times no matter how much you want to keep the thing that matters to you close to you, sometimes you just have to let it go. Even if it means that you get hurt(emotionally), it's what is best for it, and it's what will make it happy.

The Road

Life is like a road trip you can pick who you travel with, pick out the right car that you can trust and pick the right route.
• Cars are one of the most important part of road trip, they come in all different shapes sizes and milage but no matter what car your the one to ride in it.
• The trip also depends on the route, you can eather enjoy the scenery and take a long time or you can take the highway and go straight to your destination with out enjoying the ride. But eather way you are going to run into obstacles.
• But the biggest choice is the people you travel with, most people will go just about any where but your the one that is going to deal with them for the rest of the trip, and they will decide how much help you get when you run into obstacles, like if the car runs out of gas who drives and who gets out and pushes.
But Eather way you will get to your destination, but when you get there you might think it was more then you planned it to be or you might have been over wishing, But the Real question is will you look back and remember the good times you had along the way?

Sometimes I wish that there were a roadmap or GPS I could use that could help guide me the right way, but in life there really is no guide except for the people around you and their word. There are going to be people that you know you can trust then there are going to be people who you think you can trust that you really shouldn't.
But there are garenteed to be times where we wonder if we are going to the right place and we really wont find out untill we get there.............more to come later

As we all grow up

As we all grow up we will all face some kind of obstacle and we will eventually have to decide what to do next.
If a tree is in the way of your path do you ignore it and go around it? Or do you chop it down so that way you never have to deal with it again?

• If you chop it down then if you don't plan it right then it can hurt us or the people around us. It could land one your mom and break her arm but she would heal, but you wouldnt even know it did unless she yelled or you went looking for her. Or even worse it could land on you and eventually kill you. But are you willing to take the risk of hurting someone just so you don't have to put up with something you cant stand?
  
• If you ignore it and go around it then you don't have to worry about it unless you have to take that same path again. Who knows other people will probably be able to go around it, and ignore's it. But its always going to be there, unless a storm comes along and knocks it down, or lightning hits it.
  

No matter what option you pick the decision is always going to be up to you, Is the outcome great enough to block out the risks?......In the end there is always going to be that one person that the tree matters to because of how long its been there and all the benefits of having that tree, like the shade, or the how beautiful the tree looks to them. And are you willing to block out how much it means to them just so that you can have your way?

Every one has to make that decision sometime in their lifetime. But sometimes in order to get rid of the things we hate we also get rid of the things we love just so that we wont have to put up or deal with that thing..... This decision is the hardest one to make and yet we make the decision with out thinking of the things we love.

Back in second grade they replaced the metal slide with a plastic one. Every time I went down that new slide it would shock me, so I decided that having the fun of going down the slide was one of the things I had to lose in order to never get shocked on that slide again. That was like the first time I had to do something like that but I make those kind of decisions like every day, but I'm probably not going to say what those decisions are unless its someone that I can trust, or if its in person then I might, but not on the web.

Any way this is all I can think up for now so stay tuned for tomorrows post.

My Plans are going to hell.

Every year I always make plans that I hope to follow and most of the time I can follow them. This year though I made over a 1000 plans(hopes/dreams/goals...) and out of all of them only 7 of them are actually going to come true this year. Usually I get around 200 of them to come true but things in life happen that you cant always plan on. But no one can control or predict what happens in the future, the only person that knows what you are going to do is you.

I guess I really shouldn't plan things out just based on the present time because people/life/weather/animals/and even objects change without you being able to predict how those people/animals/objects/things are going to change. I guess you could almost think of it like a house, most of the time its going to feel the same untill someone ends up throwing bricks(or rocks) through your windows. you can try and fix the windows but in the end you always end up having to get new ones because of that one small thing, or even having your house grafittied(painted on randomly/vandalism cant spell the word) in order to get rid of it you have to change the house in one way or another, then the house will never feel or look the same. :-( :-(......but the pieces of the house you knew/saw/loved will still be there even if you cant see/feel them any more. Some things will never change.

In the future something is going to happen... if you wanna find out what is going to happen look at the look closer document in photoshop the sooner the better.(if this doesnt apply to you/or if you have no idea what I'm talking about then dont worry about this small note)

Tomorrow is important.

All this time I'm always afraid of what the future brings, like tomorrow one of the biggest changes of my life might begin to unfold. But every year there's always one person that tells me to stop living in the past and worrying about the future, and to start enjoying the present. Nothing is going to last forever except two things, your soul and the way you feel about people(listen to "I'm still here"). But over the years I have come to accept that. Imagine if you knew what the outcome of some of your decisions would bring(kind of like finding a pattern in math like 2,4,8,16,32...). Would you still still make those same decisions? Thats the position that I am put into every day.

Back when I was in Westboro public schools I had no feelings(anger, humor, happy, sad....) like even when my dads mom died I couldn't cry no matter how hard I wanted to. But now " I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all".

Life is full of different possibilities but you have to look hard for them if you wish to find the ones your looking for. Like if I really wanted to I could have a girlfriend right now, but I'm choosing not to because I know that eventually the perfect girl will come,(eather that or she already has). But I truly believe that things turn out for the best in one way or another.

As I was saying though tomorrow is one of the most important days of my life, where I begin to find out if things will stay the same or will they change for the better or worse. But Tired and I'm headed to bed, Goodnight and Goodluck!(I'm ganna need all the luck I can get)

Acceptance.

In life only half of the things I would like to happen are actually going to happen, and half of the things I don't plan on happening will. As we all grow older we all come to the terms that as we grow things will change and eventually we all have to accept that. As for me though I'm still trying to deal with all of that.

Not everyone is going to make the greatest decisions but the greatest way for us to learn that is to learn from those experiences. You can guide someone the right way but in the end they are the one that decides to take that path or to make their own. But on the other hand I have to accept that some things are inevitable no matter how I try and avoid them but I have to learn to accept that. In life I have to learn to accept that everything will eventually end. But I also have to learn how to enjoy the moment, which I can do but only when I'm having a great time. More to come later

My past thoughts revealed

What is going to be below this line are some of the many thoughts that went through my head within the last two years,

P.S. This is the final copy of what I was writing last year in size 1 font last year that I didn't want any one to see. So now you get to see it :-)
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i wish i new the answer to the question but only you will know the answer to it. though out the years i have learned how to hide my feelings and to never show them but is it now that is the right time to show them???? this year is going to give me the answer and im pretty sure i know what the answer to the question is.....but this year will give me the answers i need but i hope all of those signs were right otherwise it will turn out for the best. but untill then i guess i will never know the answer to that question

life is full of questions but some are more important to find answers for like is ist worth risking?
i guess only time will tell...........

i just hope that history doesn't repeat itself this time............of i hope that i dont
wait until its too late........

somethings are better left alone and so no one will ever find this note but hopefully i will find the
question and the answer.. but until then..... ttfn

one more question why????????

music can sometimes answer some of the unknown questions like what we are feeling depending on what we listen to. but music also can encourage us to let out feelings that we never knew we had

the one thing i hate about life is change but sometimes i guess its a good thing. like one day bight be a good day wile the other day is a bad day, where nothing happens, do other people feel this way or is it just me???

life is unpredictable but sometimes things are ineveritable like falling in love i guess, but after that is blurred, sometimes its not worth risking but sometimes it is. last time i risked it i almost lost our friendship, so im scared about what will happen after it...

through out life you will be given signs about what is to come like if a all the dogs in a town go crazy for about a day then the next day you might get an earth quake because they can sence stuff before it happens. some songs can describe something you feel with out even knowing it. untill some one tells you to look at the lyrics of it then come to find out it describes me almost perfectly. cowinsidence i think not.

i guess every one has expectations of people and when they arent met then people eather stop talking or something happns.

some things i wont have the answer to. but however when the time is right you will know the answer to the question. its because you know the answer already. you just may not know it...

what would happen if what i dream rally comes true is that fate or is that just luck?? because i hope some dreams come true but i always carry the summary in my pocket. the only problem about the dreams is that

when you wish a'pon a star you will wonder who you are, when you wish a'pon a star your dreams come true..................

some people wait there whole life trying to find the perfect person i really really hope that im not one of those people who spend most of thier life alone........'

one of the other things i will never understand is why you help some one and right after they help you they stab you in the back. just so they can be mean.
this is ww signing off.

sometimes things arent always as they seem but sometimes they are. sometimes things may appear obvious to some people but invisable to others. no two people think exactly the same, at least not on everything.

its wierd how some people know stuff with out some one else ever mentioning it, like what some one elses favorite color is or what time they work and on what days

YOU CANT RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS, BUT YOU CAN RUN AWAY FROM YOUR FEARS

llife is like a path, no matter what way you go your always going to come into obsticles and turns that you never expect, sometimes you keep going and other times you enjoy them, but some where along the path
you always find someone to travel, weather its halfway up the path or at the beginning.

some secrets can be bad wile others can sometimes be true. the point of a secret is to make sure that no one else knows something that you dont want them to know about. some secrets can never be told to anyone no matter how bad you want to telol them about something. but i guess thats life.

why is it girls are so moody sometimes???? the one thing that chances are im always going to do is almost nver listen to my hormones only my brain

llife is wierd most of the time, and unpredictable, but thats one of the reasons why you have friends, to help you when your down, and to make you laugh when you need to cheer up. but the thing about friendships is that over the years the friendship gets eather stonger or weaker, are mine getting stronger or are they getting weaker for me friends are almost everything, because once you have them you never want another bad thing to happen again to them ever again, and you always want to be there for them. but sometimes life takes unexpected turns where you have to decide weather the risk is worth the prize or the shame, because once you take a dive you cant go back to how you were before the dive.

but then again if you never ask you will never know the true answer, like can/couldit/will it/ work. one of the things that are tough are hormones, but over the years i have learned not to listen to what they or my heart want s to do, because my brain overpowers it because of the possibilities and the outcome, but then again will it work.

over the years here at assabet i have learned a lot of things, but i have gained even more then what i would have dreamed of......friends that are always there for me, a couple of the things ive learned though is that love is a tough thing to come by, i haven't found it yet i have a feeling that by the prom i probably will. living is tough because you have your hormones and your heart telling you one thing and you have your brain telling you another thing, and you always are going to have to react to one of them, most people listen to their hormones and there heart telling them that they should fall in love with some one no matter what the consequences are, as for me i cant do that because i cant live with the outcome of it,
the only problem is is that by the time i realize i think i like someone its usually to late, and thats one of the reasons why i say that "im a question to the world, not an answer to be heard////" hopefully one day i will find the "answer." and that's one of the reasons i get depressed when i say what if............
plan for the worst and hope for the best
sometimes though i just wish that things went back to how they were last year
after all this time i was thinking that this year would be just like last year and actually be fun for once but maybe i was wrong..........................
its wierd how sometimes im affected by other peoples feelings like when they are bored im bord, and when im sad they are sometimes sad, but who knows why????

its wierd how over the years people learn how to like people for who they are even though we hated them years ago, thinking that they can /we can make them change, sometimes when that happens though you loose a friend to sometimes you lose a friend because that friend ends up becoming more important to them then that last, even though that persons feelings never change others do though, and sometimes that can become hard to accept.

its strange how empathy works, because you know what some one is feeling with out having to ask them,

the weekend is coming and then its the regular week(academic s). academics are one of the parts about school i hate because we work the whole time instead of relaxing,tatalking/foolingaround/. the future is unclear for me right now but i hope its better then it is now....its like that song KRYPONITE!!!!!!

some songs can describe you almost perfectly.

its wierd how sometimes people are nice then the next second thier spitting stuff inat your face, and being all moody,

sometimes its best to stay out of things that arent any of my business but other times i do get involed. sooethings are better left alone

no matter what happens in the future things will always turn out for the best nomatter if something happens or if it doesnt happen.

one of the things i love doing is messing with people heads when they piss me off. eather that or freaking them out somehow and it always works.. the one reason why it always works is because every one has the same weaknesses, every one ievery one is afraid of people/things that are different then what they are useto.

sometimes the choices you make end up choosing your fate, weather it would be death or weather it would be losing some one you care about for a really really long time, and maybe .

im hoping to avoid the inevitable.. what the inevitable is no one knows...........

sometimes in life thee are over a houndred thousand ways to look at something weather it be words, pictures, actions, and even thoughts, most of the time people see the same thing , but sometimes some one interprets stuff wrong and bad stuff happen, friendships get ruined, someones trust is gone, and even hatred for something that some one did that they miss interpreted.

for once i thought i wasn't alone in this world but i guess i am, all alone, with no one beside me, its like that song "i walk alone" in your life you usually don't walk with the same person for more then 4 years and if you do then you are usually incredibly lucky.

feelings are a hard thing to cope with because ether your head is saying one thing or your feelings are saying another thing, and chances are that most people listen to those feelings, most people as in excluding me, ..............
sometimes i wish i could do stuff i know that i couldn't do, like have the guts to tell people how i really fel, but i guess that gets better over time, but some day eventually i wont be here and this note will be those who believed in me and told me that i should never give up no matter what people say. the only thing is is that people know the answers are all in there head weather its in thier dreams or if its in the back of thier minds.

AHHHHHHHHH GIRLS CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM CANT LIVE WITH OUT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!some people can see feeling throught the eyes but i guess some people cant see my
sometimes life takes un expected turns like people die, peoples feelings change about what they think about, or how they think about each outher but some people(me) cant always keep up with these un expected turns and so they really dont know how to handle them.
sometimes i just wish i could fly so i could get where i want when i want, and to show people that anything is really possible.

its funny how you expect things to go the way you planned but then something even better happns, and it just ...then it just gives you a great feeling that you did tyhe right thing, but then out of that something bad happens where someone goes into something that you said in the past and they use that against you,
hope is a weird thing, because if you have enough of it you can do anything, like walk when the dr.s say that you'll never walk again., hope comes in all different forms, shapes and sizes, but having people believe in you when you need it can be sometimes even better then hope., if i could go back in time and change things i would do them the same way i did them the first time, like climbing up a mountain of foam with Marlena, then having her dad yell at us, but its time like this where those memories always are with you especially when you need them

man life stinks because usually you dont have a great day 2 days in a row, just because "change happens"... if i could i would have everyday just like what happened on wednesday, where like 3 great things happen, like someone giving you a huge hug in the morning then getting home and finding out that one of my friends that i used to play with when i
was little finally got better and now knows how to walk again.
the weather will always change and so will life, but even though somethings stay the same the majority of things in life do change, and its is really difficult for me to keep up with the changes,
its funny how i can only keep one friendship at a time otherwise i end up loosing them both so when i get close to some one some one else ends up going farther.. somethings in history will repeat them self's but when things do happen then.......... if i know what is going to happen then i cant tell any one, because then it will happen, but if i don't want it to happen then its a totally different story.df
since you've been gone

if you could tell the future would you? i wish i could tell people but if i do then im afraid it will come true but i have a feeling that its going to happen any way.
life is like magnets sometimes you get forced apart but in the end the opposites always attract, and no matter what they will always come back to gether again, its just like time, you can choose the future but in the end some things are ineviterable .




this is my frist entry of the junior year. the thing i was affraid of has happened things are a lot different then from last year. people are a lot different this year then they were last year, its already the 2nd term and like 12 days b4 christmas. people i guess change for many reasons and one of the things they change for is the people ty hang out with. last year i always had people coming to be with their problems but this year im told nothing and no body says anything. llong story short life just sukcks because of change.. i guess i really do know whats going to happen b4 it actually does but then again maybe things happen for a reason. i just hope things turn out for the best.

Guiding the way.

Back in third grade I was a mess because of different reasons(mostly school related). But back then I had a really strict teacher who always said to me "You can always bring a donkey to water, But you can't make him drink", she was mostly saying that because I would always refuse to do the work because I was always having a hard time with it and It would take longer for me to do it then everyone else(and yet she never gave up on me). Every school year after that(until 8th grade) that was one of my sayings, that I always went by.

Some people want to know what my opinion is on certain things, But on those certain things I can't say what my opinion is because then they would get all upset, or what I say would affect their views on the subject. So that's why I sometimes say that it doesn't matter what I think. What would you do if you wanted to feel one way but your body is feeling another way? That's the trouble that I have been having lately, but my body just wont let me show it. Man this post is short today but its all I can come up with for today :-D. More to come tomorrow....

wow

Well today and yesterday were pretty fun :-D. Even though we only made it to the quarterfinals I still had a lot of fun(and we got to see The Blue Man Group). To me winning isn't everything, its having fun that is more important.

On the way to the competition and I was listening to my music like usual, but the thing about me and music is that every song I have on my Ipod reminds me of something/sometime/or someone. Some of the songs I can relate to and others bring back memories of when I first heard that song and what was happening at that time. Imagine being able to play a movie inside your head with your eyes open and not noticing anything around you(kinda like meditating) just to waste time, well that's basically what I do on the bus to and from school everyday. I can listen to a song, zone out, and not notice anything around me kinda like I'm in a different place and I wont remember anything I saw or heard until it gets out of my head.

Friendship is a hard thing to come by for me. Every year is guaranteed to be different friend wise. For me it seems that no matter how hard I try to keep things the same between me and my friends they always end up different some how. Last year was the best year for me, because I got closest to someone then anyone in my whole life. But this year as you would expect isn't really the same which is sad but true. But things I guess are always going to change. But the way I feel is always going to be the same(listen to "I'm still here"). Friends for me dont come often but they always last, when they do... But as we all get older we will eventually grow apart but not on purpose... :-( :'( :'(

Every day I go over the choices that I have made in the past and I wonder "What If..?" and every time I start thinking about that I end up getting depressed because I always wonder if I did have another chance to face that same choice would I have made that same choice if I knew what the outcome of it would be??

Feelings are always going to be a hard thing for me to talk about so now is a good time to start. Though out my whole life I'm always afraid of what people would think about me if they knew how I truly felt about them. In 8th grade I was going to tell someone how I truly felt about her but I waited too long and right when I was going to tell her, I ended up finding her slow dancing with another guy(she’s still with him right now). And when that happened I was heartbroken and I felt like I could never have another crush on anyone again because I never would want to feel that pain ever again. And yet life goes on. Since then I have had # of crushes since then. But I haven't told a single one of them how I have truly felt because I am afraid that the outcome of them going out with me wouldn't end well and they wouldn't end up being happy.... If I had one wish in my lifetime that wish would be "I wish that everyone I love and care about would be happy no matter what the cost"(including friends,family,etc.).. Hormones aren't easy for anyone to handle most people act on those hormones(not naming anyone), and others(like me) ignore them and make sure that they don’t effect our actions, or our way of thinking. But some day I have a feeling that I'll find the right girl :-P. Any way that’s enough about me for one day and I'm headed to bed. Stay tuned for tomorrow's post.

YAY I finally got in the playlist thingy with a lot of help. Each one of those songs can describe me in some way or another. and any one that is reading this is going to like at least one of the songs on there. But its finally done and working :-D

Any way today is one of those days where I get to find out if all my hardwork and time that I have spent working on it has finally paid off or if it fails and we lose. Eather way I've learned a lot from joining first robotics this year and I had a lot of fun doing it. When I'm in a compitition or something in that matter, I could care less if I win or lose but what I do care about is having fun.

Everything we do will affect us in one way or another, weather we learn from it or weather we get heart from it those are basically the two outcomes of anything we do. But no matter what happens I truely believe that things are going to happen for the better.

A lot of my friends wonder why I sometimes speak in riddles, and the reason I do is because in life there are over a thousand ways to look at something but out of those thousand possiblities the thing I try and say mostlikely wont ever be known. Some things in life I literally cant say because I am afraid of the possiblities that would happen if I told them what I meant. A lot of people do stuff, say stuff, mean stuff, with out actually knowing what the outcome could be, but I'm not one of them. Im always thinking ahead and seeing what could happen if I do something a different way or say something that I dont want anyone to know, like telling people how I truely feel. (basically think of a super computer and think what would happen if you made "2+2=5", that would litterally change everything we know about math right??) If you knew what was going to happen in the future would you tell anyone even if knew that that person was going to die(an example not real)?? You probally wouldn't you would want to have as much fun with that person as you can have before the time is up, and most importantly you would want that person to be the happiest they can be even if you are out of the picture....

Not too many people have the same view on life, my view is that if you care for others more then you do yourself then god will "repay" you sometime in your life(in one way or another)...then again I have other views too but those are for another day..... :-P lol

Growing Up.

As we all get older we all become more responsible and we have to start taking the consequences for our actions. And all of us have to eventually have to make huge decisions that will not only impact our lives but the ones around us.

But for me growing up just plain sucks. This is mostly because as we grow up things start to change and we all have to come to accept that. Like people that left a great impression on us start dying off. 1 month ago I was Balling my eyes out because my Great Grandmother had died and she was one of my heros. But when I was crying I told my mom that when I grow up I want to die young, and she asked why? So then I told her that I don't wanna live so long that everyone that matters to me eventually dies because I really don't think I will be able to handle that pain. Then she told me that, that would be pretty selfish of you. Because when people die it doesn't leave that big of a mark on the person that dies but it leaves a huge dent on the people that cared alot about that person. Ether way though I really don't think that I'll be able to handle that pain too many times. But in the real truth its the fact that I know that I wont be able to see/touch/listen/and even talk to those people that die that affects me the most.

Not that many people know that much about me but as we get older things start to change, we stop talking as much, we stop hanging out as much as we use to, and eventually we get farther and farther away from each other then all I'm left with is the memories of the good times we had
:-(....... But its those memories that keep me going because I know that those good times happened in the past and chances are that they leave time so that they can happen again. No matter how many times I would like to repeat the past I probably wouldn't want to change any of the decisions that I have made because each one is a learning experience, and chances are that if I didn't make those decisions that I wouldn't be where I am today and you probably wouldn't be where you are ether. I'm always thinking about my friends and family every second and I always think of how my choices will affect them in the long run.

But no matter how many choices I make, I really do believe that things will turn out for the best.

My Brain.

My brain is like a giant puzzle. People that want to see the final picture have to come and work together with one another..... Every single second of every single minute of every hour of every day of every week or every month of every year, my brain is always thinking/worrying/feeling/observing/// and its just plain hard living like this. (basically its like having your computer on and browsing the web/looking for music/playing games/ doing taxes/ editing photos/and creating programs all at the same time for 8 years straight so that it overheats and eventually blows up or melts down because it cant handle everything.)

I once was sitting in the back seat of my moms car, and I was telling someone that its your brain that makes you who you are, but then they started telling me that I was wrong because it is your soul that makes you who you are. At first I didn't believe them at first but after that argument I found out that she was right.

People are really smarter then they think they are, some of them have abilities that cannot be explained or proved and yet they still have them. Some see the future, some can sense something is going to happen before it does happen and others like me can tell when someone they care about or love is in trouble or in danger. Most people want to argue and say that everyone who says they can do stuff like this is flat out lying, chances are that I would agree with them if I hadn't seen it for myself. Some people say that having these "special abbilities" is a honor or those people are lucky that they can do such stuff. Me personally I think it is more of a curse.

A lot of people always wonder why I'm pissed off at life and chances are that it has something to do with the stuff that could have happened but didn't, or stuff that is happening as we get older like growing apart, but I guess thats life. When I was little I always use to say that "life's a bitch" even though most of the time it is, or feels like it is. Good stuff doesn't always happen to me every week, its more like once every year or so(a good example would be me going over to a friends house or hanging out with them). So after a wile I start to feel IDK lonely, and I start thinking maybe this is what god has in plan for me for my whole life. Good times are great when they come, but they never last long....... :'( :'( and they dont come verry often.....

Everyday from now on(except vacations when I'm not here) im going to write something on this blog so I'll try and keep you up dated.

Aren't you happy for them???

I'm always saying that I make decisions so that way things turn out well for the people that I love and care about, instead of me. But when I make those Decisions I should be proud of what I have done and be happy for the choices I've made but in real life I literally cant be happy because of it. Do you have any idea how hard it is wanting to be happy but your body wont let you, or wanting to cry but your body wont let you?

When I was going to Westboro public schools I literally had no feelings, because of the medicine I was taking wouldn't let me feel emotion and back then I thought that that was a good thing. It definitely was back then but when I started going to assabet I started taking a different medicine and I could feel again. Last year was probably the best year of my life, because I was always happy and I was doing great when it came to friends. I was the one that a lot of people looked up to, when something went wrong they would come to me, and most importantly I felt needed. But this year is like a roller coaster there are good times but mostly there are bad times. I really dont feel needed or wanted and nobody comes to me anymore because they have other people, but I'm probally being selfish. But the point is, is that its times like these where I wish I couldn't feel emotions again because sometimes the pain is just too great and I feel like giving up. And yet I keep going because I know that if I did give up that those people wouldnt be who they are right now....

In reallity though I'm not planning on living long(35 if I'm lucky). Life for me is hard because of all this different stuff. Sometimes the pain is just too great like when my greatgrandma died or when I got heartbroken. My diet stinks(I dont eat fruits and vegetables), and I just won't beable to addapt to all the changes around me. But if anything does happen to me though, you have the pieces to complete the puzzle, "Just because you cant see it, doesn't mean its not there".

Change.

Change is the hardest thing for me in life. Every day is different so I could be really close to someone one day and not even talk to them the next. This is the kind of stuff that gets me depressed more then anything but most people don't know it. Being close with people I guess is like a drug for me... when I have it I'm happy, and when I don't then I get all depressed. When I get really close with some one then I end up creating great memories that I always look back on no matter where, or when it is.... I guess life is depressing for me Because changes happen everyday and my brain just cant deal with them all. But thats what my friends are there for so when I start getting all depressed they usually help me :-).

People ask why I am always feeling depressed, but I don't always know the answer to that question. Even though I'm depressed I really don't have a reason to be. I have a Great family, the Greatest friends that anyone could ask for, and people that love me and would do anything for me, and yet I'm still depressed. I guess in a way I'm just scared of what will happen in the future, and the changes that are going to happen as I get older, Like my friends getting farther and farther away from me.

The future all depends on the choices that we make, the people we pick to be around, and look up to. But it all has to do with the choices that we make. In my life I've made some bad choices and I've made a lot of good ones. But its always the most important ones that matter. In the end I always do stuff that has the best outcome for the people that I care about and love even if it means I'm left in the dust... People ask me why I always think of other people first before thinking of myself and the answers simple, I can live with me not being happy but I cant live with them not being happy. Some people think this is sad but for me its not.

Everyday is different and no two days are ever going to be the same. For me this is sad, and depressing because. One day you can be really really close with one of your friends but then the next day comes and its like it never happened. But I guess that's what memories are for. For me a memory is like a dream, you can replay it thosands of times in your head but in the end you cant ever recreate it or be there again. Last thursday was the day where I felt like I was literally in heaven, I could have died right then and there and I would have been the happiest person in the world, but I didn't die so life goes on. Some body once told me "If you keep looking at yesterday your going to miss today and tomorrow" and I believe this quote. But then again Im the one that believes that anything is possible.

My first time.

Hey every one this is my first time blogging. But the reason I created this blog is so that people know whats going through my mind some of the time and the troubles that everyday life has in store for me. But I'll try and write more later as for now I'm going to watch tv......stay tuned for more.