Goodbyes and Fear

Goodbyes are the hardest thing for me to do. The only times someone will get me to say Goodbye is ether if I'm letting them go, or if they are dying and I know that I probally will never see them again. I guess the reasoning behind this is because of the fear that I get of ether them forgetting everything that we did together or that I may never see them again. Sometimes I can't even say Goodbye to people that I care about most just because it is too hard. But when I can't say goodbye in person I try saying everything on a note. Some people think that this is just to see them cry, but in reality I really cant stand having to say goodbye to them and having to live without them in my life, or else I get all depressed(for many reasons). Some will understand this and others won't, but ether way I'm telling people what they wanted to know.

Fear is a weird thing because a lot of people are afraid of things like getting bitten, getting stung, falling, getting sick, and even dying. But sometimes in order to avoid the things we fear we tend to miss out on great things, and great memories that we could of had. I don't know, but I think that getting or learning how to put up with our fears is part of growing up.

You Really Don't Know What You Got Till Its Gone.

This was one of those years where I was looking forward to all the good things that would come from it if I did exactly as I planned to do so. But I didn't really put into account of me wanting other people to be happy rather then myself. I guess its kinda sad that we know things are going to change and yet we try our hardest to keep them the way they are, so we can just enjoy and live in the moment. But usually with me by the time I am living in the moment it only lasts maybe months then its over. I wait 9 years for something to happen, it finally does, then something changes and its over faster then we want it to(before we get to enjoy it fully). But then again its just those small moments where "we feel like anything could happen and it would be ok," that make a huge difference in our lives that we remember forever. And I almost think that its those small moments that make us who we are today. But in reality nothing good can last forever.....

Less then .003% of the worlds population understands my way of thinking and my outlook on life. And less then a quarter of that percentage agrees with my way of thinking.

Every year we all get older, and every year those people that are close to us change in one way or another. Sometimes they change for the worst and other times they change for the better but who am I to judge. I'm one of those people that holds on tight to someone and doesn't let go. The people that were once close to me or are close to me, my thoughts about them and where they stand with me will never change, But for them where I stand with them is going to change. Most likely they will change in one way that I can't handle like giving me a lot of attention to giving little attention even though in their heads I am still close to them, in reality I perceive those situations as them not caring for me as much or me not being so close to them its times like those that get me into trouble. Giving me a lot of attention to giving me little is almost like me talking to you every day, every minute then going a whole week with out saying a word to you. I really don't know how to explain but I guess the easiest way to explain it is getting your heart broken(many people only refer to this as in a bf/gf scenario, I don't).

The people I care about mean everything to me weather I am willing to admit it or not. I would easily give my life for them, I would easily have them hate me for helping them out and having to live with ti, I would easily go pick them up if they needed a ride no-matter where they were, I would easily help them out if they ever needed anyone to talk to, I would easily get suspended or expelled for helping to defend them in a fight, and I would easily lend them $5,000.00 if they ever needed it. Its the people I care about that keep me alive and give me the will to live. But when 10 of those people die then chances are I will probably die also, because I won't be-able to live through that pain of loosing someone I care about.

Anyway thats enough for tonight so more to come soon.

So Much Has Changed This (School) Year

This school year is going to be over for me in 2 days. School affects everyone with all the drama there is in school, the troubles we face, the friends we meet along the way and sadly the friends we lose along the way also.

At the end of last year for the last 3 days I was hoping that this year would be the best school year of my life, But I was afraid because I had a feeling that it would be one of the worst school years. This year I have lost a lot of important things, and people that matter most to me. Some of which I thought I could avoid and possibly keep it from happening but that failed. Other times it was due to other peoples decisions that put me where I am today. But I have also made some of the hardest choices of my life one of which cost me one of the best friendships I have ever had. Then there are those things that just seem to happen that nobody can avoid happening. The more I look at these things the more depressed I seem to become, I guess thats the problem with being a deep thinker.

As I become older I begin to develop and learn how my decisions always effect other people. Most of the time I make the right ones but other times I make wrong decisions that cost me in the long run. As we become older we begin to change in many ways, sometimes we notice the changes and other times we don't then there are those changes that happen to us that other people notice and sometimes other people don't know how to handle those changes that are happening to us. I especially don't know how to handle change a big part of the time. A lot of the time a small change for them is a major change for me like the amount of time you spend with someone and when your personality changes. But a lot of that I can't control. I've seen a lot of changes through out this year, I've seen mean people turn into great people and great people turn into mean people.

Another thing that has happened to me this year is I have lost a pet and my great grandmother, my great grandmother was one of my heros and its one of the most unbearable pains there is when someone you admire ether dies or changes into another person. But ether way there is a point where we have to let them go. Its never a easy thing for me(its the hardest thing for me, knowing when to let go).

On a good note though, I've also been lucky to be able to have the opportunity to work with people that I use to go to school with, and have them work with me to educate other people about what its like living with autism. I once even made them cry on accident but somehow I feel as if it has made us even closer. I know that with working with them that we will make a difference in the world so no one has to go through what I did when I was going through school. It's small things like this that give me hope and make me believe that everything is going to work out ok and that I have nothing to worry about[in the future].

I always have trouble with change but in the end I guess thats what makes life a pain but it also make it near perfect because with out these difficulties we wouldn't realize how lucky we are to have people that care about us, and to have the opportunities that we do. The tunnel of life is always going to be dark but no matter what that light is always going to be at the end of it, We just can't give up because then we would be letting down all of those people who believed in us. But I've wrote enough for tonight so I'll write more soon. Goodnight, and Goodluck