Aren't you happy for them???

I'm always saying that I make decisions so that way things turn out well for the people that I love and care about, instead of me. But when I make those Decisions I should be proud of what I have done and be happy for the choices I've made but in real life I literally cant be happy because of it. Do you have any idea how hard it is wanting to be happy but your body wont let you, or wanting to cry but your body wont let you?

When I was going to Westboro public schools I literally had no feelings, because of the medicine I was taking wouldn't let me feel emotion and back then I thought that that was a good thing. It definitely was back then but when I started going to assabet I started taking a different medicine and I could feel again. Last year was probably the best year of my life, because I was always happy and I was doing great when it came to friends. I was the one that a lot of people looked up to, when something went wrong they would come to me, and most importantly I felt needed. But this year is like a roller coaster there are good times but mostly there are bad times. I really dont feel needed or wanted and nobody comes to me anymore because they have other people, but I'm probally being selfish. But the point is, is that its times like these where I wish I couldn't feel emotions again because sometimes the pain is just too great and I feel like giving up. And yet I keep going because I know that if I did give up that those people wouldnt be who they are right now....

In reallity though I'm not planning on living long(35 if I'm lucky). Life for me is hard because of all this different stuff. Sometimes the pain is just too great like when my greatgrandma died or when I got heartbroken. My diet stinks(I dont eat fruits and vegetables), and I just won't beable to addapt to all the changes around me. But if anything does happen to me though, you have the pieces to complete the puzzle, "Just because you cant see it, doesn't mean its not there".